Being single

I was talking to a very good friend of mine today. She was telling me she had a date coming up and was experiencing the sensation of having ‘butterflies’ for the first time in years.

We laughed about it and I said that I thought it was ‘cute’ that she was experiencing this.

I realised that I haven’t had that feeling in a while. I had been thinking about the relationships that I have had in the past.

Some have been good but a lot being violent and abusive.

I ended up making a list of my relationships (what I could remember) and wrote, briefly, about how they went.

It seems that after I went out with my “rock star” boyfriend, they have pretty much gone downhill.

Without being negative, they have ranged from one of them going off with a “friend” of mine at my brother’s wedding, to being in relationships with physically and abusive men.

I have ended up giving far too much to relationships that were simply not worthwhile. I stayed with them due to my self-esteem being zero. This stemmed from my childhood being abusive. I was physically and mentally abused at school by other kids as well as teachers.

Those who say “sticks and stones” really have no idea what they are talking about. You only have to see on the news the number of teenagers taking their own lives due to bullying.

So after looking at my list, I decided something. I keep picking the wrong ones. So I have decided that, for the foreseeable future, I will be staying single.

This is not a sad “oh woe is me” entry in my diary. I am actually ok with it. So much so that it is a comfort to know that I can do what I like, when I like. I haven’t got to be anywhere on time for a date that will go horribly wrong. Or make awkward conversation with someone (that’s if I can get a word in edgeways).

Plus with work and study, I won’t have any time for a relationship and if I put the energy into my work and study, I have more chance of being successful.

That has always been my downfall, putting relationships first and then finding that the effort just wasn’t worthwhile and my work has suffered.

I have PTSD because of two appallingly bad ones, so I will always struggle to trust anyone, at least for a good while.

Relationships mean we have to be vulnerable, to be able to open ourselves up to another person. Trusting each other to have each other “back”, to look after each other if something traumatic happens.

This can be said of friendships as well as partnerships.

Trust and honesty are the building blocks and without them, there is no longevity.

Dating apps and sites have made it so easy for people to be unfaithful and deceitful.

I have had enough of that.

So for now, it will just be me and the dogs on this journey.

It’s going to be a busy one after all.

Monday 10th Sept 2018

Hey you guys!

I have been so busy and it has been amazing!

So firstly, good news about baba boy! He has been poorly but thankfully it is treatable, he has arthritis in his front legs. So I have been giving him painkillers in liquid form, especially for dogs, and he is like a puppy again. He is back on his food and his dancing and wooing away! We have just come back from a walk, and although he is slower than his daughter, he is doing so well.

I am taking them both to the vet on Thursday for their boosters and she can check him over again. I think I can safely say that he will be with me for a lot while longer. YAY!

On our walk, I picked rosehips and blackberries which I will add to my collection of herbs. I have plenty of dried herbs that I like to make incense from and they help my mood or to meditate. My garden is looking lovely at the moment, I have planted my winter hanging baskets which consist of lovely winter pansies and my chamomile flowers are starting to grow. The herbs are also showing good signs of growth, rosemary, basil, coriander, sage and chives are all doing well. There is something satisfying about growing things and being able to use them in recipes. Just having 10 minutes in the garden pruning the rose bushes or cutting back the lavender is good for the soul and for the mind.

I have also been working on my new placement as well. I took a job working with adolescents 13 to 18 years of age) and I am happy to report that so far, things are going well. My experience of working in forensic medium secure units has come in very handy and if we can prevent these girls from going higher up then it is a job worth doing.

I have will also be enrolling in my course on the 19th of this month so I will be a student again for the next two years. Somewhere in between, I may go out, but for now, I am happy to be learning and earning and having more control over my future. I feel now that I am getting somewhere in life and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But I will let you know about that one once I have started Uni again!

 

 

What have you been up to this week?

 

Sam xx

Monday 3rd Sept 2018

Today is the start of my new career. I have a busy week ahead with training and sorting out new uniform and, fingers crossed, getting work. I have signed up with a Nursing agency who are well known and have an excellent reputation.

I am a little nervous as there is no guarantee of work, but the sector is really short of staff so I a sure that there will be no problem. Still, knowing that nothing is certain makes me a little nervous. It is almost like being a trapeze artist without a safety net, you know you are a hard worker, talented, but one false move…..

The rest of the week is full of sorting my own health issues out, nothing major, just having boosters which are needed to keep you safe in this type of work, such as having enough antibodies to fight Hep B! Oh, joy!

My main concern is the health of my eldest dog. He was well looked after by my ex-partner for a few days last week while I went up to my old hometown to spend time with parents for my birthday. He contacted me to say that the boy was not being himself and was sleeping a lot. He is nearly 11 years of age and I am worried that age is creeping up on my best friend.  I called the vets this morning and I have to ring back after 1 o’clock to book an emergency appointment. He has gone off his usual food but not biscuits, so I am hoping it is a mixture of being cantankerous and the warm weather we are having. Still, best to get the old boy checked out he is my world and I do worry about him, I am dreading the day when we have to say goodbye.

So are my parents because they know I will be a mess. You see, my boy has been through a lot with me over his lifetime. He has seen a lot of horrible things and a lot of good things happen. He has stuck with me through thick and thin and has given me his paw when I have been sobbing my heart out over bad relationships.

He has shown loyalty and stuck by me when others have walked away when the going gets tough. He has sat with me when I have been recovering from operations, while those who I thought cared for me ran away.

All he asked for in return was my love and to be kept safe, warm and fed. But now he needs me more, as he ages, to look after his health and wellbeing, and as I call myself his Mom, that is exactly what I am going to do for him in his twilight years.

My Tarot reading

I always turn to the cards when I feel low.

My cards have shown me that if I am struggling with my life’s purpose, I need to look back at what I enjoyed. This weekend is a Full Moon in Pisces, 26th August, and is showing that I need to move on from a situation as I am feeling trapped, this is all in my mind. I need to take a trip down memory lane. Emotionally this can be draining and difficult to move on from and the need to be kind to oneself

My next card was showing that something is coming to a closure and to move on to the next chapter.

This is very strange as I finish my last shift on this date and next week I plan to go up to where I was brought up and visit my parents. I really believe in Tarot and spirituality and use these as guidance. Everyone deals with depression in their own way and I am aware that I cannot live my life purely based on cards. They just give me hope and some encouragement to keep going, today the cards confirmed that I am grieving for the end of something, but I will be ok. Just keep on going!

Friday 24th August 2018

Hi everyone

I hope your week has been good. MIne has been, well, uneventful, BUT let’s do not get gloomy about such things.

I think I a feeling like this because I finish my current employment this weekend. I feel both depressed and excited about moving on to new pastures. I have a job interview this afternoon at 14:00 GMT. SO I will let you know how I go.

Next week is busy for me. I have an interview at the college about doing a PGCE Degree and on the 29th I have another interview with a Nursing agency. So it is all go!

But I still feel miserable and I just cannot shake it off. I am hoping it is just a dip but I suffer terribly with depression. Lately, I have been having intrusive thoughts again and feeling paranoid.

I suppose this is due to spending a lot of time on my own and other things that have happened recently. I do not have any friends, none that I can really rely on or talk to about it and those I can are not well and I do not want to burden them. I also know that writing things done is therapeutic and not many people will see this.

I have been let down by people so many times in my past that I cannot bring myself to go out and make new friends. Isn’t that so silly? A lot of this fear is due to abuse, neglect and bullying from childhood and also from the last ten years. Every time I get close to someone and let my guard down they let e down by leaving me. I think ‘ it has happened again.’ The last few weeks, I have had to accept that I will be on my own forever, no friends no boyfriend. This is it, this is my life. It is lonely, but it is easier than being constantly disappointed and hurt. These are real emotions that taunt me and I am very good at putting on a suit of armour and a happy face mask.

I need to work to keep busy and to stop my mind from overthinking all the time.

Does anyone else have this problem? I know these feelings will pass as I get used to the acceptance of my situation.

Photo by Jure Širić from Pexels

Wednesday 22nd August 2018

Happy hump day as they call it. I have no idea where that saying comes from, but I know it means we are half way through the week.

And I am in my last week in my current role at work. I am moving on to new pastures, which makes me happy, sad, excited and nervous at the same time.

I explained my reasoning for moving on in my previous blog. It is normal for someone to want personal growth, but I do wish I could take certain people with me. Still, they have their own roads to follow, run and chase things down.

I have learnt a lot, and I am glad I have contributed to how things worked out for them. Even if it was the smallest thing that made a difference. Sometimes just sitting and listening is enough, not judging, just simply listening.

I wonder where my new road may lead me? But I know where ever it will go, it will be exciting, challenging and intriguing.

What are your goals for personal growth? What challenges you?

Photo by Tyler Lastovich from Pexels

 

Tuesday 14th August

Hi

I know I have not written for a while. But I have been so busy and it has been wonderful as it is all positive.

Since completing my Degree in July, I have felt in limbo. I was expecting all the doors to open and they did not. I felt disappointed and low, no relationship in my life and a job, that although I enjoyed, was not going to further my career.  On top of this, my Degree was dismissed as irrelevant when I asked to go up a pay grade.

” You have to be here 18 months to 2 years before it is considered. It has to fair for those who do not have Degree’s.’

I was told.

So I went for an internal role and didn’t get it. Instead, someone with less experience who had been 4 months did. No, I do not understand it either, so I decided not to sit about grumbling, but to get off my backside and find someone who did see my value.

I sent out CV’s to agencies to see if my skills, experience and Degree WERE worth anything.

I had email after email back. I was invited to interviews and got each one. I was over the moon.

You see, if you do not feel valued where you are, depression can set in. Self-doubt and feeling unworthy can have a detrimental effect on your wellbeing.  If people in work, your relationships, anywhere, do not see your value, then look for people who will.

Life is too short to stay somewhere that makes you miserable. Listen to this video by Rob Dial

He is so right as well! OK, we need money to pay the bills and enjoy our lives. But that does not mean we have to punish our selves and feel unworthy. May I add that I love working with my patients, it is the politics in the workplace that was bringing me down.

I also like manifesting and tarot reading. My current one shows that I am going through some form of transformation, turning from feeling frustrated to feeling free.

So if you are feeling trapped, undervalued and disrespected look to those who do love, value and respect you.