Friday 24th August 2018

Hi everyone

I hope your week has been good. MIne has been, well, uneventful, BUT let’s do not get gloomy about such things.

I think I a feeling like this because I finish my current employment this weekend. I feel both depressed and excited about moving on to new pastures. I have a job interview this afternoon at 14:00 GMT. SO I will let you know how I go.

Next week is busy for me. I have an interview at the college about doing a PGCE Degree and on the 29th I have another interview with a Nursing agency. So it is all go!

But I still feel miserable and I just cannot shake it off. I am hoping it is just a dip but I suffer terribly with depression. Lately, I have been having intrusive thoughts again and feeling paranoid.

I suppose this is due to spending a lot of time on my own and other things that have happened recently. I do not have any friends, none that I can really rely on or talk to about it and those I can are not well and I do not want to burden them. I also know that writing things done is therapeutic and not many people will see this.

I have been let down by people so many times in my past that I cannot bring myself to go out and make new friends. Isn’t that so silly? A lot of this fear is due to abuse, neglect and bullying from childhood and also from the last ten years. Every time I get close to someone and let my guard down they let e down by leaving me. I think ‘ it has happened again.’ The last few weeks, I have had to accept that I will be on my own forever, no friends no boyfriend. This is it, this is my life. It is lonely, but it is easier than being constantly disappointed and hurt. These are real emotions that taunt me and I am very good at putting on a suit of armour and a happy face mask.

I need to work to keep busy and to stop my mind from overthinking all the time.

Does anyone else have this problem? I know these feelings will pass as I get used to the acceptance of my situation.

Photo by Jure Širić from Pexels

Published by

intothebleach1

A little crazy a little eccentric. I love my garden, growing herbs etc.. into spirituality and growth. Adore my two dogs who keep me going when my depression overwhelms me. My two best friends furever x

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