Being single

I was talking to a very good friend of mine today. She was telling me she had a date coming up and was experiencing the sensation of having ‘butterflies’ for the first time in years.

We laughed about it and I said that I thought it was ‘cute’ that she was experiencing this.

I realised that I haven’t had that feeling in a while. I had been thinking about the relationships that I have had in the past.

Some have been good but a lot being violent and abusive.

I ended up making a list of my relationships (what I could remember) and wrote, briefly, about how they went.

It seems that after I went out with my “rock star” boyfriend, they have pretty much gone downhill.

Without being negative, they have ranged from one of them going off with a “friend” of mine at my brother’s wedding, to being in relationships with physically and abusive men.

I have ended up giving far too much to relationships that were simply not worthwhile. I stayed with them due to my self-esteem being zero. This stemmed from my childhood being abusive. I was physically and mentally abused at school by other kids as well as teachers.

Those who say “sticks and stones” really have no idea what they are talking about. You only have to see on the news the number of teenagers taking their own lives due to bullying.

So after looking at my list, I decided something. I keep picking the wrong ones. So I have decided that, for the foreseeable future, I will be staying single.

This is not a sad “oh woe is me” entry in my diary. I am actually ok with it. So much so that it is a comfort to know that I can do what I like, when I like. I haven’t got to be anywhere on time for a date that will go horribly wrong. Or make awkward conversation with someone (that’s if I can get a word in edgeways).

Plus with work and study, I won’t have any time for a relationship and if I put the energy into my work and study, I have more chance of being successful.

That has always been my downfall, putting relationships first and then finding that the effort just wasn’t worthwhile and my work has suffered.

I have PTSD because of two appallingly bad ones, so I will always struggle to trust anyone, at least for a good while.

Relationships mean we have to be vulnerable, to be able to open ourselves up to another person. Trusting each other to have each other “back”, to look after each other if something traumatic happens.

This can be said of friendships as well as partnerships.

Trust and honesty are the building blocks and without them, there is no longevity.

Dating apps and sites have made it so easy for people to be unfaithful and deceitful.

I have had enough of that.

So for now, it will just be me and the dogs on this journey.

It’s going to be a busy one after all.

My Tarot reading

I always turn to the cards when I feel low.

My cards have shown me that if I am struggling with my life’s purpose, I need to look back at what I enjoyed. This weekend is a Full Moon in Pisces, 26th August, and is showing that I need to move on from a situation as I am feeling trapped, this is all in my mind. I need to take a trip down memory lane. Emotionally this can be draining and difficult to move on from and the need to be kind to oneself

My next card was showing that something is coming to a closure and to move on to the next chapter.

This is very strange as I finish my last shift on this date and next week I plan to go up to where I was brought up and visit my parents. I really believe in Tarot and spirituality and use these as guidance. Everyone deals with depression in their own way and I am aware that I cannot live my life purely based on cards. They just give me hope and some encouragement to keep going, today the cards confirmed that I am grieving for the end of something, but I will be ok. Just keep on going!

Friday 24th August 2018

Hi everyone

I hope your week has been good. MIne has been, well, uneventful, BUT let’s do not get gloomy about such things.

I think I a feeling like this because I finish my current employment this weekend. I feel both depressed and excited about moving on to new pastures. I have a job interview this afternoon at 14:00 GMT. SO I will let you know how I go.

Next week is busy for me. I have an interview at the college about doing a PGCE Degree and on the 29th I have another interview with a Nursing agency. So it is all go!

But I still feel miserable and I just cannot shake it off. I am hoping it is just a dip but I suffer terribly with depression. Lately, I have been having intrusive thoughts again and feeling paranoid.

I suppose this is due to spending a lot of time on my own and other things that have happened recently. I do not have any friends, none that I can really rely on or talk to about it and those I can are not well and I do not want to burden them. I also know that writing things done is therapeutic and not many people will see this.

I have been let down by people so many times in my past that I cannot bring myself to go out and make new friends. Isn’t that so silly? A lot of this fear is due to abuse, neglect and bullying from childhood and also from the last ten years. Every time I get close to someone and let my guard down they let e down by leaving me. I think ‘ it has happened again.’ The last few weeks, I have had to accept that I will be on my own forever, no friends no boyfriend. This is it, this is my life. It is lonely, but it is easier than being constantly disappointed and hurt. These are real emotions that taunt me and I am very good at putting on a suit of armour and a happy face mask.

I need to work to keep busy and to stop my mind from overthinking all the time.

Does anyone else have this problem? I know these feelings will pass as I get used to the acceptance of my situation.

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