Being single

I was talking to a very good friend of mine today. She was telling me she had a date coming up and was experiencing the sensation of having ‘butterflies’ for the first time in years.

We laughed about it and I said that I thought it was ‘cute’ that she was experiencing this.

I realised that I haven’t had that feeling in a while. I had been thinking about the relationships that I have had in the past.

Some have been good but a lot being violent and abusive.

I ended up making a list of my relationships (what I could remember) and wrote, briefly, about how they went.

It seems that after I went out with my “rock star” boyfriend, they have pretty much gone downhill.

Without being negative, they have ranged from one of them going off with a “friend” of mine at my brother’s wedding, to being in relationships with physically and abusive men.

I have ended up giving far too much to relationships that were simply not worthwhile. I stayed with them due to my self-esteem being zero. This stemmed from my childhood being abusive. I was physically and mentally abused at school by other kids as well as teachers.

Those who say “sticks and stones” really have no idea what they are talking about. You only have to see on the news the number of teenagers taking their own lives due to bullying.

So after looking at my list, I decided something. I keep picking the wrong ones. So I have decided that, for the foreseeable future, I will be staying single.

This is not a sad “oh woe is me” entry in my diary. I am actually ok with it. So much so that it is a comfort to know that I can do what I like, when I like. I haven’t got to be anywhere on time for a date that will go horribly wrong. Or make awkward conversation with someone (that’s if I can get a word in edgeways).

Plus with work and study, I won’t have any time for a relationship and if I put the energy into my work and study, I have more chance of being successful.

That has always been my downfall, putting relationships first and then finding that the effort just wasn’t worthwhile and my work has suffered.

I have PTSD because of two appallingly bad ones, so I will always struggle to trust anyone, at least for a good while.

Relationships mean we have to be vulnerable, to be able to open ourselves up to another person. Trusting each other to have each other “back”, to look after each other if something traumatic happens.

This can be said of friendships as well as partnerships.

Trust and honesty are the building blocks and without them, there is no longevity.

Dating apps and sites have made it so easy for people to be unfaithful and deceitful.

I have had enough of that.

So for now, it will just be me and the dogs on this journey.

It’s going to be a busy one after all.

Monday 3rd Sept 2018

Today is the start of my new career. I have a busy week ahead with training and sorting out new uniform and, fingers crossed, getting work. I have signed up with a Nursing agency who are well known and have an excellent reputation.

I am a little nervous as there is no guarantee of work, but the sector is really short of staff so I a sure that there will be no problem. Still, knowing that nothing is certain makes me a little nervous. It is almost like being a trapeze artist without a safety net, you know you are a hard worker, talented, but one false move…..

The rest of the week is full of sorting my own health issues out, nothing major, just having boosters which are needed to keep you safe in this type of work, such as having enough antibodies to fight Hep B! Oh, joy!

My main concern is the health of my eldest dog. He was well looked after by my ex-partner for a few days last week while I went up to my old hometown to spend time with parents for my birthday. He contacted me to say that the boy was not being himself and was sleeping a lot. He is nearly 11 years of age and I am worried that age is creeping up on my best friend.  I called the vets this morning and I have to ring back after 1 o’clock to book an emergency appointment. He has gone off his usual food but not biscuits, so I am hoping it is a mixture of being cantankerous and the warm weather we are having. Still, best to get the old boy checked out he is my world and I do worry about him, I am dreading the day when we have to say goodbye.

So are my parents because they know I will be a mess. You see, my boy has been through a lot with me over his lifetime. He has seen a lot of horrible things and a lot of good things happen. He has stuck with me through thick and thin and has given me his paw when I have been sobbing my heart out over bad relationships.

He has shown loyalty and stuck by me when others have walked away when the going gets tough. He has sat with me when I have been recovering from operations, while those who I thought cared for me ran away.

All he asked for in return was my love and to be kept safe, warm and fed. But now he needs me more, as he ages, to look after his health and wellbeing, and as I call myself his Mom, that is exactly what I am going to do for him in his twilight years.

My Tarot reading

I always turn to the cards when I feel low.

My cards have shown me that if I am struggling with my life’s purpose, I need to look back at what I enjoyed. This weekend is a Full Moon in Pisces, 26th August, and is showing that I need to move on from a situation as I am feeling trapped, this is all in my mind. I need to take a trip down memory lane. Emotionally this can be draining and difficult to move on from and the need to be kind to oneself

My next card was showing that something is coming to a closure and to move on to the next chapter.

This is very strange as I finish my last shift on this date and next week I plan to go up to where I was brought up and visit my parents. I really believe in Tarot and spirituality and use these as guidance. Everyone deals with depression in their own way and I am aware that I cannot live my life purely based on cards. They just give me hope and some encouragement to keep going, today the cards confirmed that I am grieving for the end of something, but I will be ok. Just keep on going!

Wednesday 22nd August 2018

Happy hump day as they call it. I have no idea where that saying comes from, but I know it means we are half way through the week.

And I am in my last week in my current role at work. I am moving on to new pastures, which makes me happy, sad, excited and nervous at the same time.

I explained my reasoning for moving on in my previous blog. It is normal for someone to want personal growth, but I do wish I could take certain people with me. Still, they have their own roads to follow, run and chase things down.

I have learnt a lot, and I am glad I have contributed to how things worked out for them. Even if it was the smallest thing that made a difference. Sometimes just sitting and listening is enough, not judging, just simply listening.

I wonder where my new road may lead me? But I know where ever it will go, it will be exciting, challenging and intriguing.

What are your goals for personal growth? What challenges you?

Photo by Tyler Lastovich from Pexels

 

Tuesday 14th August

Hi

I know I have not written for a while. But I have been so busy and it has been wonderful as it is all positive.

Since completing my Degree in July, I have felt in limbo. I was expecting all the doors to open and they did not. I felt disappointed and low, no relationship in my life and a job, that although I enjoyed, was not going to further my career.  On top of this, my Degree was dismissed as irrelevant when I asked to go up a pay grade.

” You have to be here 18 months to 2 years before it is considered. It has to fair for those who do not have Degree’s.’

I was told.

So I went for an internal role and didn’t get it. Instead, someone with less experience who had been 4 months did. No, I do not understand it either, so I decided not to sit about grumbling, but to get off my backside and find someone who did see my value.

I sent out CV’s to agencies to see if my skills, experience and Degree WERE worth anything.

I had email after email back. I was invited to interviews and got each one. I was over the moon.

You see, if you do not feel valued where you are, depression can set in. Self-doubt and feeling unworthy can have a detrimental effect on your wellbeing.  If people in work, your relationships, anywhere, do not see your value, then look for people who will.

Life is too short to stay somewhere that makes you miserable. Listen to this video by Rob Dial

He is so right as well! OK, we need money to pay the bills and enjoy our lives. But that does not mean we have to punish our selves and feel unworthy. May I add that I love working with my patients, it is the politics in the workplace that was bringing me down.

I also like manifesting and tarot reading. My current one shows that I am going through some form of transformation, turning from feeling frustrated to feeling free.

So if you are feeling trapped, undervalued and disrespected look to those who do love, value and respect you.

Wednesday 25th July 2018

Good afternoon!

Saturday night was amazing! I spent time with great friends, had fun and got home safely.

Sunday was spending time with my two dogs. They are also my best friends! Going for nice long walks and cooking all three of us Sunday lunch (vegetarian for me).

These are the ties I totally enjoy, these are the times I can truly relax and enjoy myself. It has taken a long time to get back to this after my attack last year. It took me right back to the beginning of a time that I wanted to forget and move on from, but I have learnt to accept it and use it for good. I can use my journey to assist others through theirs so they don’t feel so alone.

Mental illness still holds a stigma even though we are doing well regarding talking about it more and more. I was diagnosed with depression years ago and still dip now and again, after last year, I was diagnosed with PTSD as well. Having ‘labels’ does not define me or make me a weak person. In fact, it empowers me, because when I get ‘ill’, and I have learnt to spot my own personal red flags, I know what safety measures to put it into place. If it means having to take a day off work, I take it. I try not to stress about money because the simple fact is that if continue then I will end up having a longer period off from work. Which isn’t great as I thoroughly enjoy my work which is supporting others. But how can I support others if I cannot look after myself?

Sometimes, we have to be more self-aware in order to help others, that if we have that inclination. I find it sad when I meet people who are so wrapped up in themselves they are oblivious to others pain, they are only interested in their own self-interests and greed and it does not matter who they step on or hurt to get what they want.

So, just for today, be kind to someone else, smile at a stranger, help someone., give your time.

 

mayaangelou1-2x

Saturday 21/07/2018

So today is my weekend off, YAY! I get every other weekend off in my line of work, not that I am complaining. I am going to go tonight with friends to celebrate the completion of my Degree. So far this week I have been updating my CV and sending to anyone and everyone that  I hope will read it. I sent it to my HR department at my current employer so we will see where that leads as well. I feel frustrated because other colleagues who have completed theirs have gone on to their dream jobs, but because mine is so generalised, it isn’t as easy for me to do that. Lesson number 1000080, do not compare yourself to others!

I did some meditation to try to unblock my emotions as I have felt angry, sad and frustrated (as above). But my good friends have come to rescue me once more. We can go for months without seeing each other and then we do, we pick up where we left off. It was the same with the two friends that I haven’t seen in over ten years. We met up two weeks ago, and it was amazing how, even after all this time and life experiences, we had so much in common. This just goes to show that it is quality and not the number of friends that we should have. We may look ‘popular’ with our 3000 friends on social media. But do we really know them and do they really know us? I will guess that the answer will be ‘NO.’

Although social media can be used for excellent things, it can also cause a lot of harm. Young people can view their success purely by the number of likes, shares and comments that they receive on their social platforms when really they should be looking at what support and love they have physically around them. Wouldn’t it be great if we could tell someone who they are liked and loved in person, than just through a computer? Maybe once a week shut these platforms off and spend a day just doing that.

Today, wherever you go, carry the intention of peace, love, and harmony in your heart.

 

Photo by Hannah Nelson from Pexels