I was talking to a very good friend of mine today. She was telling me she had a date coming up and was experiencing the sensation of having ‘butterflies’ for the first time in years.
We laughed about it and I said that I thought it was ‘cute’ that she was experiencing this.
I realised that I haven’t had that feeling in a while. I had been thinking about the relationships that I have had in the past.
Some have been good but a lot being violent and abusive.
I ended up making a list of my relationships (what I could remember) and wrote, briefly, about how they went.
It seems that after I went out with my “rock star” boyfriend, they have pretty much gone downhill.
Without being negative, they have ranged from one of them going off with a “friend” of mine at my brother’s wedding, to being in relationships with physically and abusive men.
I have ended up giving far too much to relationships that were simply not worthwhile. I stayed with them due to my self-esteem being zero. This stemmed from my childhood being abusive. I was physically and mentally abused at school by other kids as well as teachers.
Those who say “sticks and stones” really have no idea what they are talking about. You only have to see on the news the number of teenagers taking their own lives due to bullying.
So after looking at my list, I decided something. I keep picking the wrong ones. So I have decided that, for the foreseeable future, I will be staying single.
This is not a sad “oh woe is me” entry in my diary. I am actually ok with it. So much so that it is a comfort to know that I can do what I like, when I like. I haven’t got to be anywhere on time for a date that will go horribly wrong. Or make awkward conversation with someone (that’s if I can get a word in edgeways).
Plus with work and study, I won’t have any time for a relationship and if I put the energy into my work and study, I have more chance of being successful.
That has always been my downfall, putting relationships first and then finding that the effort just wasn’t worthwhile and my work has suffered.
I have PTSD because of two appallingly bad ones, so I will always struggle to trust anyone, at least for a good while.
Relationships mean we have to be vulnerable, to be able to open ourselves up to another person. Trusting each other to have each other “back”, to look after each other if something traumatic happens.
This can be said of friendships as well as partnerships.
Trust and honesty are the building blocks and without them, there is no longevity.
Dating apps and sites have made it so easy for people to be unfaithful and deceitful.
I have had enough of that.
So for now, it will just be me and the dogs on this journey.
It’s going to be a busy one after all.